Best dating is not dating – find true love with self-actualised people

I have never been into dating. At all. I understand that these are socially-constructed rituals that are supposed to lead to mating. I am not interested in encountering stereotypes. I have been yearning for a self-actualised person all my life. Self-actualised people are the best, because with them you will never have to date and play social games.

Self-actualised people talk to you nicely, always.

Most relationships modelled by media are highly toxic. I particularly think of TV series featuring couples that won’t stop uttering demeaning comments masquerading as humour, sarcasm, and scolding – how wrong. It looks to me as if it were an attempt to condition us into believing that badgering is the same as the phatic function of language defined by Jakobson. We talk to give attention, we make noise for the sake of keeping contact, we touch with words. But I think we slap too. Self-actualised people don’t do that. They aren’t smooth talking: they are nice, saying things as they are, and always communicating in a respectful way.

Self-actualised people are true.

I have come across a few posers – people using dress code to claim an identity. Some were “empty suits”. Some were matryoshka dolls. It could be somewhat difficult to understand who I had in front of me, since some didn’t even really know what values they were conveying with the signs they were exhibiting proudly. Self-actualised people don’t pretend. They don’t dress to hide who they are. They don’t try to wrap the fabric of others around their emptiness, precisely because there is nothing empty about them. They don’t hide their scars, because they have embraced them. They know who they are and they are true about it.

Self-actualised people’s actions are deeds, not acts.

Social media has created this constant need of documenting one’s life instead of living it. People are acting and faking their life. Setting the scene and taking the perfect picture with their loved ones has become more important than spending quality time with them. Self-actualised people don’t fall for this game of the ego. Their actions are deeds, not acts. And yes, there will be selfies with kisses, but what will matter to them is to make sure that you are cherished. They will do what is best for you, even if it’s not in the script expected by their social media followers.

Self-actualised people deeply care, as opposed to merely saying that they do.

Have you noticed all those people telling you “prayers”, “love and light”, “healing thoughts”, but who don’t do anything else than expressing care instead of embodying it? Don’t tell me that words are enough, at times, we need more than words. We need food, we need money, we don’t need inspiring words or being lectured about wrong choices, bad luck, and keeping strong. There are situations when chinning up and looking for the silver lining just won’t work. There are moments in life when you need someone who really deeply cares. Compassion is not about saying how sorry one is about someone else’s situation – this is not caring. Compassion means to suffer with. People who really care will get into the pit where you are trapped, suffering and despaired, and, with gentle benevolence, they will help you carve stairs to get out of it. This is what self-actualised people will do for you. This is what caring is about.

[I shall keep this blog article short. I pasted below Maslow’s self-actualizing characteristics.]

My best relationship advice would be the following. Observe your romantic interests and see them as they are instead of projecting your desires. Keep this in mind: if it hurts, it’s not love. There are very beautiful people out there who are waiting to cherish you. Don’t settle for anything else than exceptional self-actualised people.


Maslow’s self-actualizing characteristics

Efficient perceptions of reality – being very sensitive to the fake and dishonest, and free to see reality ‘as it is’.

Comfortable acceptance of self, others and nature.

Reliant on own experiences and judgement – Independent, not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views.

Spontaneous and natural – true to oneself, rather than being how others want.

Task centering – the sense of having a mission to pursue in life

Autonomy and resourcefulness.

Continued freshness of appreciation – “innocence of vision”, similar to that of an artist or child.

Profound interpersonal relationships – deep loving bonds.

Comfort with solitude.

Non-hostile sense of humor.

Peak experiences – feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning.

Socially compassionate.

Few friends.

(adapted from Wikipedia)

Thank you so much for reading me. I noticed many hits towards my contact page. As my readers should guess from my articles, I am not very social. This may improve over time. If you wish to quote me, please do so, but kindly give credit and link back to my blog, many thanks.